Important Communications Assignments

Buckets and Dippers (2-12-10)

Buckets and dippers is a really interesting way to look at our emotional stock. It is a really good analogy to help us see how much we focus on ourselves if our buckets are not full. It is important to be aware of this in ourselves as well as others. If we are aware of our buckets and how full they are we will be much more able to help others fill their buckets. I like to try and look at it in an unselfish way. To not worry so much about our buckets as much as helping to fill others. Because as we dip into our bucket to fill others’ we will be raising our water level.

I found it interesting how he said that those who have an empty bucket and are trying to steal from ours are not happy. They are not happy with themselves so they try to steal other’s happiness thinking it will help them feel better, but really they just detract from both of the parties in the situation. We cannot expect to try and steal others’ water. It just won’t work. If we have an empty bucket, we just need to try and fill others’ and our own will fill without a doubt.

I think that if we are more aware of our buckets and others’ then we will be more equipped to handle difficult situations. If we are aware of the influence our emotions have on others then we will be able to keep better stock of our emotions and the effects they have and what things work and don’t work. I have sort of an experience to share for the remainder of this paper.

On Tuesday night I came home from a really spiritual Student Living meeting where I had led the discussion. We talked all about love and how important it is in our lives. I came home from the meeting feeling so content and spiritually uplifted. We had clean checks that night so I was going to come home, eat dinner and watch a little tv and then do my cleaning job. I was feeling pretty good about the day and about myself and everything was just pretty great. As soon as I walked in the door one of my roommates who is one of my best friends came down the stairs on a tirade. She had been trying to vacuum and apparently no one put a bag in the vacuum. She was furious with our other roommate and was completely unhappy. Of course as soon as she came down yelling my good, spiritual mood went out the window. At first I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon so that she wouldn’t be upset with me. She sort of freaked out and said she was going to leave for a bit to cool down. So, luckily, I had time to gather my thoughts and emotions and to figure out what the best approach to the situation would be. When she came back in the door she was on the phone with her mom and crying. She went upstairs and finished her conversation then came back downstairs. By then I had decided that something needed to change. I was able to take control of my emotions and figure out how to best deal with the situation. When she came in the room I told her that this had to stop and that we had to have an apartment council.

So when our other roommate came home I asked in a very calm voice if we could have an apartment council and she agreed. We had a really long heart to heart and we all said the things that weren’t being said and in a calm, quiet manner. We were able to say things to each other that we didn’t have the courage to say before. I went into the conversation saying “Amanda, I feel that maybe this is not the best living situation, is there anything I can do to make it better for you?” In a sense saying “I’m sorry your bucket is empty, what can I do to fill it?” I think that it really humbled her and showed her that we wanted to work things out. This was such a good experience. We are all much closer now and we were able to work things all out.

The Tongue of Angels (2-07-10)

This talk by Jeffrey R. Holland was so wonderful. The world is crumbling around us when it comes to inappropriate communication. The Lord would have us speak tenderly, and kindly of others instead of the harsh lashings that so many of us are guilty of. We often are unaware of the effects that our words have on others. I found it interesting how he spoke directly to women and I wish to speak more about this later on. But finally the thing that I found most interesting was the idea that if we can bridle the tongue than we can control the whole body. This talk is something that we should all study and try to live more fully.

First I would like to talk about the fact that we all forget how much of an effect our words have on others. We often think that “words are just words.” The old school yard chant that says “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is simply wishful thinking. It is simply not true. Words stick. Words cut. Words harm and injure. Some of our most painful memories are associated with harsh and insulting words. We all need to remember this. I think that we are unselfish enough that we would never wish these painful memories on other people. We have got to be more careful. We have got to take better care not to hurt others with our biting tongues. Elder Holland says “Words are sacred, and must be spoken with care, and by constraint of the Spirit.” This is something that I certainly could work on. I should chew on my words a while before I spit them out.

I was extremely impressed by what he said about women. Specifically he said “Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of yours for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind, including gossip or backbiting or catty remarks.” This is such a wonderful truth. Women are able to be very, very close to the Spirit. We can do so much good. We can uplift, encourage and strengthen. Women can serve and help and do the Lord’s work. It is true. There is no room for gossip or wasting time by being caddy. We have too much good to do. We have gentle nurturing ways that are important to the rearing of children. We need to be so careful what we say to the little children so that we may raise them the way the Lord would have us raise them.

The third and final thing I wish to discuss is the quote that he uses by James. It says “For in many things we shall offend all. [But] if any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” I think this shows us how hard it is to control our words. We so often fall right into the gossip that is going on around us. We so easily slip into the back biting and rude comments. Not only behind one’s back but to one’s face in jest. It hurts and destroys confidence. Even if it is in jest, it still stings and cuts. If we learn to control our tongue then how easy everything else is. We need to put all our efforts into this. We need to try and strive for this. This is something, a little thing, we can strive for. A little bit a day. Start avoiding gossip, then stand up then speak only good things. It is a process and it and make such a difference. I hope that we can all learn these things and strive to bridle our tongues.

This talk was such a good reminder to me of the importance of our words. They can hurt and destroy. But they can also uplift and heal wounds. If we speak with tenderness and if we speak gently and kindly the there is not end to the good we can do. It is so important to remember this and strive to uplift those around us. Avoid gossip. Speak kindly. Chew on our words a little before we spit them out.

And Nothing Shall Offend Them (2-03-10)

This was such a good talk and one that I think we all needed to hear. There is so much truth in what Elder Bednar says. So many people fall away from the church simply because they have taken offense to something that someone, most the time has unknowingly said or done. We expect others to be perfect but excuse faults in themselves. They think it is so horrible that someone could do something to hurt or offend them.

I truly love what Elder Bednar says about why we are offended. He said “In many instances, choosing to be offended is a symptom of a much deeper and more serious spiritual malady.” I really feel that this so true. I honestly think that this spiritual malady is pride. As I said above I think that a major problem is that people excuse all faults in themselves because they know that they are trying to be better but we often expect everyone else around us to already be there and to already be perfect. We expect everyone to know exactly what is going to offend us and we expect them not to do or say those things. We often believe that when someone says something to “offend” us that they are out to get us, when in reality they probably are not even aware that this has happened. They probably do not even realize that something is wrong or that they have done anything wrong. We are often so prideful that we are not okay hearing negative things about us. If we were truly humble and knew that we are nothing without the Lord then we would not be so quick to take offense. If we realized that we were all equals, and we probably offend others just as often as we are offended, I think people would be much more understanding. If we knew that the Lord sees us all equally and that we are in no way above anyone else then it would be a lot easier to hear criticism and just listen with a smile.

I love the idea that we “choose” to be offended. How is it fair to think that someone else can force us to feel some way? I understand that people’s opinions can be important to us. But it is our choice take offense. I enjoyed how Elder Bednar shared the example of Moroni and Pahoran. He shared this section from that scripture it said “And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart.” Not only does Pahoran choose not to be angry but he chooses to compliment Moroni sincerely. I think that this might be a really good remedy for us. If we can just suck up our pride. What if, when someone says something to us that we start to be offended about, instead of being offended stop and think. Choose in that moment not to be offended and to take it to the next level, find something positive about the person that said it. This will be hard. But I think it might become a really good habit. We will start to focus on good thoughts about the other person instead of focusing on how we are “hurt.”

I loved, loved, and loved how Elder Bednar points out that when we choose to be offended it is us that it’s hurting. Us not going to church is not going to hurt that person that offended, it is only going to hurt us. If we choose to be offended and express our offense by not going to church then we are choosing to not partake of the wonderful blessings which this gospel promises. We are the ones missing out if we choose to be offended.

This talk was really wonderful. It is something that we all need to be reminded of. If we humble ourselves and remember that it is our choice whether we are offended or not we can live a much more meaningful life. We need to remember that not going to church will only hurt us not the ones who may have offended us. We need to remember these things and choose now to not be offended. We should take part in all the blessings that this Gospel can bring us if we let it. We can not partake of these things if we choose to take offense and leave the church.

The Great Measure of Discipleship (1-30-10)

Kenneth L. Southwick gave a devotional address in May 2007 at BYU I. It was about how important our perception of others is. Here was my response to the talk.

Wow. This talk was amazing. It was piercing because I think that we all are so prideful and selfish. Especially in this time of our lives. We are striving to gain an education and decide what we are going to make of our SELVES. We are so consumed by this that I think we often forget about others and what it truly means to be a disciple. My dad has always said that he thinks we will be judged according to we treat one another. And while this is the byproduct of how we see others I think he is on the right track. I think he recognizes the importance of our interactions and perceptions of others.
We spend our whole lives becoming “us.” We learn to love ourselves. The world hounds it into our brains that we need to “love ourselves.” How important is this really though? Of course it is important to recognize that we are daughters of God and that we have infinite worth but is it really important to be so stuck in our own selves that we work to love ourselves. I think this is a very warped perspective. Loving ourselves is not important, what is important is that we love the Lord and we love our Neighbor. The Lord even tells us to love our Enemies. This seems like an impossible feat.
So how do we begin to love our neighbors, let alone love our enemies? I think the first step is realizing that we are nothing. We are utterly nothing without the Atonement and without God. We can not accomplish a single thing without Him. We might be justified by our actions, by doing all we can do. But we can NEVER be sanctified without His Atonement. We have got to humble ourselves enough to realize this. We are absolutely, pathetically, nothing without Him. Once we realize that, there is no room for self obsession. Once we realize how much we rely on the Lord, we start to realize how everyone must rely on the Lord. We start to see each other as equals. There is comfort in knowing that we are not the only ones in the world that are nothing. There is comfort in knowing that everyone else must rely on Him just as much as we do. When we discover this and when we humble ourselves enough to recognize this, we will no longer raise ourselves above those around us. We will see that we are equal human beings, who have different, but no less difficult struggles and weaknesses. We start to see that the Lord loves us equally. We realize that if the Lord loves me who is nothing, then that means He loves Billy, and Johnny and Sue and Kate just the same. This, I believe, is when we can truly, honestly see others the way the Lord sees us.
I learned in a class the other day that “Love thy neighbor as thyself” is actually a law for Moses’ time. The Law for Christ’s time is actually “Love one another as I have loved you.” We must humble ourselves and ask for help to see others the way He sees them. If we do, then we will never treat them harshly. We will never use unkind words or put ourselves before someone else.
Love Thy Enemy seems completely and utterly impossible to us in our Natural Man state. That’s the point. I believe this commandment was given so that we would realize that we can not do this without the Lord’s help. We completely rely on Him if we intend to follow this commandment. This just can not make sense in our mortal, limited minds. I love the idea that He gives us commandments that force us to truly, deeply rely on Him so that we will get closer to Him. This is such a wonderful principle I think.
I love how, in this article, he talks about making other people important, making them a priority. This is something that we all struggle with I think. We just get so consumed in our daily lives and our own self importance that we forget to put others first. My mom has always told me “Remember Sophie, people are more important than homework, they are more important than tests, they are more important than sleep, they are more important than anything.” This has always stuck with me and I try to remember it when I’m getting stuck inside myself. She always tells me a story about how when she was in high school and she was sitting on the end of one of her best friends beds, crying her eyes out. She had just found out that this boy who she had been madly in love with for years, was dating another of her best friends. Her friend on the bed was consoling her and comforting her, but at precisely ten o’clock she said “Jenny I’m sorry but it’s my bed time now, you’ll have to go.” My mom was devastated. She was completely torn up and it seemed to her that sleep was more important to this friend than she was. She never wishes anyone to feel like that. So she teaches us this lesson and asks us to always remember this.
There is that story about the professor whose class all semester had been focused on service and the importance of it. Then on the day of the final the class came to the class room and found a note on the board that said the final had been changed to a different location across campus. The students all rushed to the other location ignoring everything around them and when they reached the destination the Professor informed them that they had all failed the course. He had strategically set up different service opportunities en route to the new destination and the students completely ignored them. They forgot that people are more important than tests.
This is such an important topic. We truly do need to remember the importance of people. Not just the pretty or smart or popular people. But everyone. Everyone needs to be important to us.

Doer of Our Deeds (1-19-10)

We read this wonderful talk called Doer of Our Deeds and the Speaker of Our Words by M. Catherine Thomas. It was such a wonderful talk and here was my write up for Interpersonal Communications

What a wonderful topic this is to discuss. There is this never ending thirst for self esteem that the world is always on the hunt for confidence and a strong self concept. It is what all the magazines and TV shows and movies talk about. There is this “confidence” that the world finds so attractive. This just creates mayhem. Because what really is self-esteem? Is it thinking highly of yourself? Is it just not caring what others think of you? I love that Sister Thomas describes self esteem as comfort and rest in the Lord. I love this quote where she says “Have you noticed that the pursuit of self-esteem seems to produce anxiety, whereas increasing humility and faith in the Lord produces consolation and rest?” This is just so true. We cannot expect to have peace when trying to gain what the world would consider self esteem.

I find it really interesting how she says that maybe the cause for this lack of “self esteem” is because of our fallen state and it is a thirst to return to our spiritual state, to not be that “natural man.” It is a want to feel good about ourselves and the only real way to do that is to do what the Lord would have us do. The only way to do it is to unite our worldly bodies with our spiritual wills. I think we can all learn a lot from this.

The media idolized the “strong, confident” woman. The woman that never doubts herself or what she is worth. But we know that we are of the most worth simply because the Savior loved us enough to atone for us so that we might have eternal life. What more proof do we need that we are worth something? Our Savior performed the ultimate sacrifice for each and every one of us. So what can we do in return? We can try to align our will with His and try to find that comfort and rest which He offers. Sister Thomas uses the scripture “stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ.” This is found in Helaman 3:35. Isn’t this what the world is looking for? That “strong character?” As we submit ourselves to the Father’s will we can gain that character that we do not doubt ourselves because we are putting all of our trust in the Lord.

We are nothing. We can do nothing. We can achieve nothing. This is true without the Lord. Our “self esteem” has to come from this fact. The fact that He loves us enough to help us become something and to achieve everything. We do not need self esteem. We just need the Lord.

I feel like this is very much the idea of “confidence born of obedience.” When we have a true desire for obedience and a commitment to do so, this is when we gain this confidence that is unbreakable. It is a confidence born of the Lord. It is rejoicing in His name and loving the life that He has given us.

I absolutely loved this talk. I really needed to hear it. I am sometimes so timid and afraid of my own shadow and embarrassed so easily. However, I have felt that confidence born of obedience before. I have had glimpses of knowing that I am worth a lot more than I’m letting Satan tell me because I am on the right track and I am trying hard. I truly feel that Satan feeds off of this notion of “not liking ourselves.” He magnifies it so that it becomes all we think about it. He makes us think that we can only be better by ourselves and we have to do all the work and it’s just a lost cause. But the Savior is there reaching out His hand to us telling us to just obey and love Him and we will find that rest, that comfort and that happiness. This is essential to our peace. I hope that I can remember this in any dark days to come. I hope I can share it with others, particularly my children when they are having self esteem issues. This is something I will take with me forever.

Compliment Project (1-19-10)

1. For my first compliment I am visiting my boyfriend and his family in Boise Idaho. I don’t know that it necessarily counts as a compliment but it felt like one to me and it was hard to say. I sincerely, sincerely, truly thanked his parents for having me. This was a heartfelt thanks and a compliment to their hospitality. I am very shy so it took a lot of courage but I wanted them to know that I was truly thankful. After I voiced my thanks and compliments my boyfriend’s dad who is usually quite silent and not very talkative said “We are really glad to have you.” He seemed really sincere and like he was truly grateful to have me there. Communicating this small bit of thanks and compliments has changed the dynamics of my stay here. This is sort of a hard relationship. My boyfriend is planning to serve a mission and so am I. So of course both of our parents are not thrilled that we are together at all. His parents like me better than mine like him but there is still some doubt. Some worry that both of us will end up not serving missions. But I am extremely committed to the mission and so is he. So basically there is just a lot of work to try and keep everyone happy. So when I sincerely thanked and complimented his parents for their hospitality it made a major impact I feel. They said that they were truly grateful I was there and that meant a lot to me.
2. For the Stranger compliment I complimented our waiter’s service. I was honestly thinking how nice and attentive he had been and so I told him. This was HARD for me. Especially to a stranger. I am just so shy and uncomfortable talking to people I don’t know that it took a lot of strength to tell him what I thought. I would be happy not talking to anyone but my loved ones. Just floating by and not being noticed. So this was really hard for me to even open my mouth and say a word to this man. But I did it and I felt accomplished and successful after I told him, and he seemed genuinely pleased that I would say something. It gives you a little spark of happiness when you say something nice to someone.
3. My third compliment was to my boyfriend’s grandparents. I had heard so much about them and I was truly excited to meet them. Tyler always told me how sweet they were and how they would be so happy to see me. He told me that they get along with everyone but I told him that I wanted them to really like me for me and not just because they are nice people. I wanted to make a good impression on them. I wanted them to like me and want me to be with their grandson. We got along so well and they were so kind and hospitable. As I left I looked his grandpa in the eye and shook his hand and said “It was really nice to meet you.” I truly meant this. It wasn’t just the right thing to say but it’s what I really meant. He smiled a big smile and said the same back to me. Then the next time I saw him he was very kind and gave me a little hug and just talked to me and was so pleasant. Before I left to come home Tyler and I went to visit his grandpa and grandma Holt. I told him that we could only stay for a bit because I needed to finish packing. We went into the house and his grandpa squeezed my arm and we talked for almost two hours. We really enjoyed each other’s company. Then as we left his grandpa gave me a long tight hug and he said “I want you to know we love the both of you.” It was so great! It is interesting to give compliments and truly mean what you say. It somehow changes your attitude and mentality. It was really interesting and nice.

Teaching and Learning by the Spirit (1-07-10)

We had a number of talks and addresses we read that focussed on teaching and learning by the spirit. We had to do a write up for them and here it is...

1. What is the responsibility of teachers here at BYUI? The addresses that I read focus on teaching by faith and being unified as a faculty. Sister Harris speaks about how it is the teachers’ responsibility to prepare the students for life after college. She also talks about the importance of helping students understand what learning by faith means and how we can do that.
2. What is the responsibility of students at BYUI? President Clark speaks specifically about seeking the Lord and drawing near unto Him. As we do this, the Lord makes promises in return. As we seek the Lord our minds will be filled with light and that is when we start to understand and comprehend things that our simple human minds could never understand without His help. Sister Harris talks about how we need to be actively learning and learning from experience. It is not enough anymore for us to just sit back and have the teachers feed us all of the information. Our job is learning. We should put just as much into it as any other job, and even more.
3. How SPECIFICALLY can YOU seek learning by faith this semester? I think the overarching theme of these addresses was acting by faith. And I think the first step to do this is to draw near unto the Lord. Pray and find Him so that I can better understand His will and the importance of the things I am learning. I need to try and unify myself with my fellow classmates and really feel that pure love of Christ so that I can understand those around me and we can be on the same level and have the same goals. President Clark says that we can achieve so much more together than we ever could alone. I think that I tend to be a loner and I like to do things on my own. I like to learn my own way and on my own time. But President Clark suggests that we can get so much more out of learning if we unite and become one in purpose so that we can become that Zion community that the Lord wants us to be.
4. How can we demonstrate to the Savior that we are ready and willing to be taught by the Spirit? I think that the first thing we can do as a class is unite and get to know each other. We show the Lord that we want to hear what other students have to teach us, because sometimes the Spirit will work through them. Also as a class we can respect each other’s opinions and voices so that we all feel comfortable counseling together. Becoming comfortable with one another will open doors to learning by the Spirit. Individually, I think obedience and seeking the Lord is what will show the Savior I am ready to be taught by the Spirit. If I seek the Lord and ask for guidance He will give it to me and I will be able to learn what He would have me learn.
These addresses really taught me a lot. President Clark’s talk particularly struck me. I love the idea of commandments and promises that the Lord gives us. If we draw near unto Him He will draw near unto us. One thing that really stuck out to me was the importance of obedience to commandments. If we obey the Lord and His wishes then we will be blessed with the Spirit and we will have the opportunity to learn by that Spirit. In Sister Harris’s address the thing that I really got out of it was that this University is not just a place to get a degree but it is a place to learn about the Lord and learn by faith and to prepare for our lives after school. If we put our all into this University then we will reap the blessings that it has waiting for us. We just need to actively learn and give back. I was amazed as I read President Eyring’s address at all the changes that were to come. The University that I know now was not the same University ten years ago. I am so grateful that all of these opportunities have come about and I have been able to be a part of this new disciple training center. I want to do all that I can to give back and learn all I can from this wonderful University that the Lord has provided for us. I think that we sometimes tend to take all of these great opportunities for granted. There is so much that this University has to offer if we just put something into it. We can not expect to get something for nothing. We just need to be obedient and draw near unto the Lord so that we might be able to learn what the Lord has to offer through the Spirit.

A True Story
This story was absolutely adorable. It was so much fun to read. It truly was touching. As I read I discovered three things. The first is that, sometimes when we read things for an assignment we are not in the right mindset to learn all we can. The second is how much we can mean to someone and not even know it. And the third is how much someone can mean to us without us even being aware of it. I will continue to discuss these three things in detail throughout the remainder of this reading response.
The first thing I noticed was my attitude towards this story when I started reading it. At first, I began to read a little bit begrudgingly to be honest. It was an assignment and I have millions of assignments piled on me at the moment. So, naturally, I was dreading another. However, in class a few people had said a few good things about it so my heart was a little softened. Even still, however, I wasn’t going into the situation with the right “climate” you could say. I wasn’t prepared to really get something out of it that could be important throughout the rest of my life. Maybe for this class and this assignment but not for life in general. I was wrong though. As I continued to read the subtle humor started to crack my shell and really read between the lines. In turn I think I got a lot more out of it then I maybe could have.
The second thing I would like to talk about is how much we can mean to someone without our knowledge. This sweet story of this little boy who “bothered” the operator with silly questions meant so much to her. I’m sure he was never fully aware of this until they finally talked that last time. If I was in his position, growing up I would probably look back and think “she must have had tons of kids asking her stupid questions.” But she didn’t, or at least this silly little boy stood out to her. His innocent inquiries left a mark on her heart and she treasured those phone calls. We often don’t realize how important we are to someone. We don’t recognize the gravity of our existence in other people’s lives. We can make such an impact and we need to be aware of this. That impact can be good, or it can be bad. I hope and pray that I will leave more good influences than bad ones. We really need to make a conscious effort to be aware of the impact that we are making on those around us.
The next thing I wish to discuss is the gravity of others’ existence in our lives. We go about our lives coming into contact with thousands, maybe even millions of people. We talk to people, we ignore people, we love people, and we hate people. But what does that mean? What does each of these relationships do to us? Sometimes we are not aware of how important someone is to us until it’s too late and that is devastating. Just as we make an impact on others’ lives, other people make an impact on ours. I want to really try to see those that have made a real difference in my life and thank them for that opportunity they have given us to change and to learn and to grow. I just hope that I can be more aware of those that are making a positive impact in my life.
This story was really great and I learned a lot. It is sweet, and comical, and touching. The way we think that others’ view us is sometimes so off. We need to really try to understand others and how they feel about us and what we can do to be a better influence in their lives. I have made the goal, and encourage all who read this to do the same, to really be more aware of the signals you are sending off and the things you do that make a difference in other people’s lives.

Recognizing Your Emotions


1. How did you recognize the emotions you felt: through physiological stimuli, nonverbal behaviors, or cognitive processes?
I found that I knew I was experiencing emotions at once. Because I was trying to be aware of them I sort of had these red flags go up whenever I was experiencing some form of an emotion. I find that I have a lot physiological responses and I have a hard time controlling those. My heart starts to race and my skin gets tingly and I get an upset stomach. I have a really hard time controlling these things and it is probably not a good thing. It was interesting having these things happen and then me thinking “man, I’m pretty emotional.” It got to the point where I just kind of rolled my eyes at myself that I was letting myself be so affected.

2. Did you have any difficulty deciding which emotions you were feeling?
I would say that it was fairly easy for me to identify my emotions. I am a girl so I am a lot more aware of what I am feeling and thinking.  I think that the only thing I was really unaware of was how many emotions I experience in one day. But the identification of emotions came pretty easily to me. Perhaps the intensity of the emotions was not so accurate. In the moment I tend to think my emotions are the most intense that anyone could imagine. But that is so obviously not the case.

3. What emotions do you have most often? Are they primary or mixed? Mild or intense?
I would probably say stress, frustration, happiness and love. Are the things most often felt by me. Some are primary and some are more mixed. They were not as intense as I though they were according to the scale. But I did have a few moments of intensity. It’s interesting to me how the emotions I felt are sort of opposites. I feel so frustrated and unhappy and stressed one moment and then my boyfriend calls and says something sweet to cheer me up and I am filled with happiness and love. Interesting isn’t it?

4. In what circumstances do you or don’t you show your feelings? What factors influence your decision to show or not show your feelings? The type of feeling? The person or persons involved? The situation? The subject that the feeling involves?
I generally show my feelings if they are kind and happy to the outside world. To those that are just acquaintances. To my roommate and best friend, I usually share it all. To my boyfriend I always share it all. Good, bad, happy and sad. I know he will listen and help me figure things out.

5. What are the consequences of the type of communicating you just described in step 4? Are you satisfied with these consequences? If not, what can you do to become more satisfied?
Sometimes the consequences of not sharing how we are feeling is that major problems don’t get solved. We sometimes just push them out of the way and while they’re sitting there, away, they are growing larger and larger and becoming something that we will not be able to ignore. I am not satisfied with this. I think that it can create huge problems.
I think that one thing I can certainly do is try to control my emotions in the sense that I will be able to express them in an effective way. If I tell people what I think and how I feel in a calm, useful way then a lot of good can come from that. I truly believe that if we are trying to build communications, our feelings are eventually going to have to become a part of it.

Listening

This project was amazing. This is something that I really, really needed. I sort of went through a process during this project. At first I thought “I’m a pretty good listener, this will be easy.” And then I realized that it is not easy, it takes a lot of work and that I’m actually a really bad listener. Then I got into the habit of good listening and started to enjoy it. Now I want everyone to listen to ME effectively! So throughout this paper I’m going to discuss this project and the different stages I went through.

So at first I thought that I was pretty good at listening and that it would be easy. My parents have always stressed listening and talking and communication. So I grew up knowing the importance of listening and talking. So I went into this project pretty confident only to find out that I was very wrong. I found that it was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

When I realized it was harder and that it would take a lot of effort I started getting overwhelmed. I decided to work on this particularly with my boyfriend. We have a long distance relationship right now so listening is key, since all we can do is talk on the phone. Before I started working on this I would always check my e-mail while I was talking to him or play games on the computer or look at people’s blogs and facebook pages, trying to get two things done at once. Something that he had been complaining about previous to this project was that I always forget what he says and that I don’t listen to him properly. (I thought this was preposterous.) I then started to realize he was right. The reason I don’t hear what he says is because I’m preoccupied with other things. So I decided to stop that. And when he would call and I would reach for my computer I would have to tell myself to stop and that that was not what was important right now. So I have been consciously making the effort to only focus on him and nothing else.

Wow what a difference it has made. I find myself being more genuinely interested in what he is talking about not just superficially, even if they are silly things like video games or his music. (I really don’t like his music.) I really care and want to know what he is interested in and what he is doing with his life at the moment. I want to know about him and everything that is going on. It’s not just pseudo listening or selective listening. I care about it all. I ask questions to dig deeper and really see what’s going on. And all of a sudden there was a shift in our relationship. He is giving me so much more attention. I love it. I am really, really high maintenance. I need a WHOLE LOT OF attention. For example, my love languages, I tied at 11 for three of the categories and the other two I had an 8 and a 9. I need a lot. I don’t know if it is just a coincidence but since I have been doing this listening project I have been getting so much more from him. For the record I did tell him I needed a little more. But maybe he wouldn’t have been so willing to listen if I hadn’t been so attentive in listening to him. I don’t know. But let me just say, he has been wonderful. He does everything I want and need. He has always been great. But lately he has really stepped it up and I feel so loved and blessed to be with him.

Since doing this project I find myself getting annoyed when people don’t listen to me effectively. I notice pseudo listening, as well as all the other kinds, but particularly pseudo listening. I can’t stand it. I just want to yell and say “Hello! You’re not listening to me, I can tell. I’m not stupid you know.” So while it has been really good, it has made me, maybe, a little more demanding of those who are listening to me. I want to be heard, really heard, not just for pretend.


What Not To Wear

For my assignment I was supposed to pretend to be someone who was meeting her "online boyfriend" for the first time and I had to lose a lot of weight. I dressed in high heels and tried to suck in my tummy. I brought a mixtape and acted really nervous. The thing I said that made everyone guess is "See, I can't photoshop myself in real life, so I had to lose weight the old fashioned way." I had so much fun doing this project!

Me Project
For my Me project I got a little emotional. I brought a Book of Mormon that I had written my testimony in. The Book of Mormon is so important to me, and all of my major life changing experiences have focused around the Book of Mormon in one way or another.

You Project
I had David Mcnary for my You Project. David is just so outgoing and intoxicatingly nice and fun. He can not be in a room without making someone laugh or smile. He is such a great kid! So I kept thinking of one word and that is "Bubbly." So I got him a giant bottle of bubbles.

Nonverbal Communication
We took the time to explore the nonverbal communication field trip during the peak hours of the Crossroads, when people were everywhere! Every direction we looked we could identify nonverbal communication being blatantly used. However, more challenging was discerning patterns. We found that nonverbal communication can be variable in multiple ways.
The most outstanding observation we made was the great affect that food has on body position, gestures and communicating. It was clear that when people ate when they conversed they tended to be a more disconnected from the conversation. There was less eye contact, when eating or attempting to do other things during conversation. People were often sitting forward instead of back. This seemed to universal between both males and females. It seemed people didn't notice as many use as many gestures as regular conversations likely due to the occupation of the hands with forks, spoons, holding food, etc. Gestures that were made, tended to be smaller, as if confined. This is probably due to established societal table manners, and closer proximity with people around dinning tables.
We wondered what the effect of a crowded place, like the crossroads, had on nonverbal communication. As talking gestures were smaller, and because of arranged seating, it was more challenging to observe body position during conversations. When we observed people walking or standing, it was clear their gestures became larger, more frequent, and rather animated in some occurrences.
The differences between genders were varied in most cases, but some clear distinctions rose from the observations. Eye contact was clearly more a characteristic of nonverbal communication dominated by women. When flirting, girls would try really hard to come across as relaxed. The girls also reacted more openly to strangers that came to the tables to promote campus activities, while boys came across as less comfortable. Boys were more likely to be seen leaning back in their seats, while girls often leaned forward.
We found that people who sat alone were much more likely to lean forward. They also clearly kept intense focus on things close to them. Without exception, they would tend to focus on their homework, cell phone, or food. Often it seemed they were trying to avoid eye contact or appear un-busy.
During our field trip, Amy delivered an experiment by entering the proximity bubble of one guy who was sitting alone, intently working on his laptop. Sitting next to him when there were 6 other vacant chairs at the same table, it was clear she had entered the bubble. Immediately, he tensed up, his shoulders became elevated, and he set a smile on his face to appear that he wasn’t bothered, though he clearly was. After a couple minutes, he finally broke the silence, by beginning a conversation. The most obvious communication was the tenseness of his body when Amy sat next to him.
Observing people walk, we could see that professors were more likely to walk with their heads forward, while students varied between heads forward, bodies forward, or an even balance. People who were carrying conversations would gesture more freely and make occasional eye contact.
Overall, it was clear that the nonverbal communication varied, with a few patterns, but that was constant and could not be hid. Depending on social standing, settings, and circumstances. All of us walked away form the field trip with valuable observations and insights form our discussion.

Conflict Rituals

(Negative but later positive) Ritual #1: When it is that time of the month for my roommate, she tends to get a little angry with everything and everyone. I love her to death but she often get’s a little heated. Normally, she is fairly even tempered. If you know what she likes and what she doesn’t then you will get along with her great. However, when her hormones are a little different, you better be pretty careful. One night for instance, she had come back inside from the car (it’s a pretty long walk from our apartment to the car) and she realized she had forgotten her purse. She was extremely upset. She yelled and then started sobbing that she had forgotten it. So she then stormed out of the house and got the purse. When she came inside she slammed the door and was still sobbing. I kind of jokingly asked “What is wrong Bri?” She said nothing was wrong and I told her it was not fair for her to say nothing was wrong if she was sobbing. She marched upstairs and shut herself in her room. I did not want to deal with this conflict. I avoided it for a really long time. This particular time it did turn out well and I will explain that later, but I have avoided situations similar to this before and it just drives a wedge between me and the other person. At the end of this situation, which I originally chose to avoid, I decided to turn things around. The spirit kept prompting me to talk to her about it. I so badly just wanted to crawl into bed and hope it was better tomorrow. But I knew that was not the right thing to do. SO I finally mustered up the courage to knock on her door. She let me come in and then I asked if I did something to upset her. She sort of blew up and sobbed some more and said she just wanted to move out. I remained calm but still listening and giving value to her emotions. It was hard. I wanted to yell back and tell her she was being ridiculous. But I held it back and just listened. It worked and by the end she was much more calm. The next morning she came and apologized. So it ended up ok. However, I made it worse in the beginning. If I hadn’t laughed it off and avoided it things would not have gotten that bad. If I had gone up there immediately she would not have had an hour or two to stew on her feelings and come to irrational conclusions.

(All Positive) Ritual #2: My positive ritual is with my boyfriend. The subject of this conflict was affection/gratitude. I was not giving adequate gratitude for all he does for me. I always say thank you to his parents or letting me stay, but I rarely thank him for taking off work and paying for everything and being so, so sweet. So we were talking on the phone and he was expressing this. Usually, I would have started self loathing and crying and feeling awful and groveling. I tend to do that. I tend to beat myself up for every mistake I make. This time however, I just listened and apologized and promised to work on it. We talked about it calmly and there was no escalation of contention. We just discussed it and worked it out. We were able to grow closer together and discuss something without going in circles.

Both of these ended quite positively, but the former scenario could have been much better. I learned that I need to address things sooner. I can’t just let things stew and become a big deal. If I can just take five minutes even to try to cool down and then address the issue everything will go much smoother. When we are left to think about how angry we are, things often become much bigger than they are. We being jumping to conclusions and are ready to blow at any second. Communication, and quick communication, is important.

I have learned a lot about my conflict rituals and styles in this chapter. I want to avoid. I want to just pretend like everything is okay. But I need to face the conflict head on and deal with the issues at hand.